so many thoughts.

that’s what i told myself when i was swimming.
“no matter how tired you are, as long as you dont give up, you’d reach there somehow.”
pause to break, but dont stop.
and i guess i should just adopt that outlook in life and in my relationship 🙂
just keep persevering. with determination.

then i also thought about how much are we able to empathize with people?
seeing news, saying that a person from this accident had died,
i usually just brush past it.
but just from that one death, so many other people are gonna be affected.
friends, families, co-workers.
and nowadays it just seems to me that only the numbers matter.
like for disasters, the amount of people who died or injured.
but apart from that number quoted, so many other people got affected as well.
and i just got to stop and thought about it today…

after reading 4 novels by nicholas sparks this holiday,
it dawned on me that sad endings linger in me longer than happy endings do.
like when it’s a happy ending i’d just be like, yay it ended happily. and yup it just stops there.
but when it’s a sad ending i tend to read into it more,
think about how it felt and i take longer to get over it.
just random observations. haha.

and then while swimming i also thought about why my relationship had so many ups and downs.
and i realized that i have trust issues.
i have problem trusting people. :/ sad to say.
but i have to admit.
i dont know how long it took for me to open up to people.
on the surface, yes i get along well.
but how long exactly did i take to talk to people about my feelings and troubles?
meishi told me before, that i took a long time to open up to her.
i wanna know what’s wrong with me :/
if only i was more trusting, i feel that a lot of problems between ray and i could have been avoided.
it’s not like you were gonna cheat on me or something.

and another thing,
im turning 20 in 1 year and 2 months time.
what have i achieved so far?
saving up? dont think i did a great job, but at least i do have some.
studies? never ever was i the impressive type, getting scholarships and As. just a normal student handing up average work… is that considered an achievement?
relationship with my parents? i’ve been thinking about it lately too… i dont know how to put it into words. my parents and i were never exactly close. not like the type that i feel comfortable to tell them about my problems. but i am still great that they have been great parents.
friends? i realize that i dont have as much friends as i did when i was in year 1/year 2. but i think it is a part of growing up because i realize that the quantity doesnt really matter. everyone can have fun together. but what’s important is who stick by you when you were down? i’ve got two very great friends ❤ meishi and ishu. love you 2 so much.

dont know where this post is leading me to.
but i guess i think better in the waters. something about the calming effect.
all these thoughts… i have no answer or solution to them.
i dont know what to do about them.
will i ever find the answer? i dont know.
im so confused now. haha. :/

but anyway! i’ve decided to do a reflection at the end of everyday to reflect about my internship experience.
i dont know how long it will last,
but i really wanna make it enriching and worthwhile 🙂


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