dad came home drunk again tonight. and he seemed really sad. as usual, he started his babbling and rambling and mum and i never really took him seriously cause i thought it was just drunk-talking. but then today i felt it, i felt his sadness. he was sad because mum was not committed to the family and works all the time. and im always out with friends or boyfriend or just not at home. and hes just the only one maintaining and taking care of the house. i think he feels like he is the only one who cares… and i cant deny that.

i wont deny that i havent been putting in effort to maintain the cleanliness of the house. i wont deny that i havent been putting much effort in spending time with my parents. i cant deny that i didnt spend much time at home.

why is my family like this? is this fate?

scenes like these happened way back since when i was in primary school. and i guess thats why i saw the school counsellor when i was in secondary school. i used to cut myself. i cried myself to sleep. i didnt know how to handle the situation at home, so i stayed silent. i guess at that time my dad had an affair with someone else outside, and my mum was suicidal. they did not divorce because of me. i was in so much confusion. my mum cried, i cried. no one was happy. and there was no one i could talk to. i think that was the darkest period of my life. and till now im still facing the remnants of it.

would it be better if they divorced? to be honest, i really dont know. i think that both of they would have been happier if they were to divorce.

i think my experience with the school counsellor influenced my decision in going into dip in psych and community service because i sort of wanted to be like her.

the only other time i talked about the details of this incident besides telling the school counsellor was when i was in Laos with ray. i remembered crying my eyes out that night under the stars at the old bed frame we always sat on. i remembered i had feelings of guilt because i did nothing but stayed silent and watched the family crumbling down to pieces. but then again, what could i do? till now i have no idea what i could have done differently.

god, i need help 😦

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